I’m a planner, and, for once in my life, I have no plan. Prior to becoming pregnant, I knew exactly what I wanted to do, what I wanted to try, where to go, and how I wanted to live my life. Now, I’m lost and wandering in the dark.
Pre-pregnancy, I was planning on traveling all over the world. My PhD was a consideration. Getting back into shape, moving back to California, working on who I was and how I defined myself, and finding some way to make the world, or at least someone’s life, better were all my plans. It may not sound like a whole lot, but to me, those goals were the north star of my life.
Now, I’m becoming a mom, a single mom. That means I’m entering unfamiliar territory. I had never entertained the thought, didn’t even really spend time with people who are parents. The whole world is foreign to me.
So, besides being the best parent possible (not even sure how to do that), what do I do now? I know my life will mainly revolve around my daughter, but is that it? I can’t imagine date nights will ever be the same, assuming there will be date nights. No more brunch unless it’s a special mommy and kids brunch. No more nights out, not that I took many anyway, but the option was nice. And no more random road trips to unknown places, for a variety of reasons.
Really, though, giving up those things isn’t that bad. It sucks a bit, if I’m to be honest, but people have survived without them. I certainly can, too. What has me feeling so lost is the lack of direction. There were dreams to aim for, goals to achieve. Now, not sure what to do, what’s possible to do, with a kid on my hip. Find a partner, buy a home with a white picket fence, and take summer vacations to the beach? That wasn’t me before, but is that what I should be aiming for now? I just don’t know, but I hope I figure it out soon. How can I expect my daughter to take on the world, to achieve her goals, if I can’t lead by example?
Live & Learn 